Monthly Archives: December 2009

The need to destress while driving

Man has generally accepted a lot of things without questioning, like the effect of axe (the deo.duh!!) in his amorous pursuits. But there have been instances when questions have been raised, though not all of them have been answered. For example, why the hell does the media numb our senses by creating a show focussed on Rakhi Sawant? or why in the world did Oprah refer to Abhi-Ash(yuckk!!) as the most famous couple or whatever? why?why?why? 

A reader of this blog (yeah i know, the other one is me) wanted to know why they needed to do this. Hmmm….a very good question. By saying this I do not intend to circumvent this question. What do you think the author is? some sort of professor? sheeshh!!

The reason is actually quite simple. We live in tough times (my watch stops working…at regular intervals), too much pressure. Pressure builds up everyday and to handle all the (new) pressure we need to purge our system at regular intervals (not that!!).

While driving you not only have to deal with back seat driving (no, they don’t have a steering wheel there,yet. Thank god for that.), but you also have to deal with drivers like these:

  • They are from the bomb squad and are rushing to diffuse one at the moment and hence cannot use their brakes.
  • They are automobile freaks who will test the breaking power of your car and secretly report their findings to auto magazines. Sometimes,call of duty demands them to check the accident response systems in your car.
  • They are practicing ophthalmologists, who have decided to take the road to study the resistance of your retina to bright light.
  • They are marketing an anu malik/deva album by honking to their latest number.
  • They are fans of NFS and are trying to gain style points.
  • They choose the fastest lane for altruistic purposes (i.e. they reduce the accident rates on roads by slowing down.)
  • They are taxi drivers.

These poor souls are striving day and night to make our lives better and its only fair that we reward them. So the next time you come across one of these specimens do not shy away from rewarding them. They lead miserable lives and you reward will mean so much to them. But obviously you cannot get out , give them a hug, and a pat on the back and say “good job joe”.

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The art of swearing while driving

The author does not promote road rage though it might seem otherwise. But as they say, a person stops growing when he refuses to drink complan.

How many of you out there have wished for a rocket-launcher or at least a water pistol to aim at fellow road users? Well this post does not point you to a shop selling WMD (Weapons of Minor Destruction). Neither does this post contain simple do-it-yourself tips to make any of them. By now even I am not sure what this post is for, but since I never leave anything midway….

Everyone swears while driving. Those who claim otherwise are hypocrites (Shame on you!!). Some people do it openly and some in their mind (The author congratulates himself for coming up with a sentence that can be interpreted in so many ways). For those who are just about enter the big bad world of driving on roads or for those who have found it difficult to mouth the words, here are a few guidelines that can help you master the art.

The swearing while driving rule book

  • Get in touch with your inner self – Dont sham yourself into believing that you are good at heart and get rid of that holier-than-thou attitude. Deep down we are all a****** s. Unleash the demon and let the good times flow.
  • Choose a language you are proficient in – research has established that all of us swear best in our native tongue. If you have been acting posh for too long and are not in touch with your native language, heres what you have to do:- step out, take an auto or taxi and note down (using pen and paper) the expletives that are used by the driver.  Research shows that these guys swear the best. A foreign language can be adopted to add the zing factor (After all the first words we learn in any language are you know what).
  • Enunciate – How many times have you been pulled up by that annoying English teacher for mis-pronouncing a word? Just as it is important to let loose a string of expletives that question the parentage of the other driver it is also important to bring it out in style. So for the love of god, ENUNCIATE.
  • Sreesanthify your facial expressions (this doesn’t require further explanation, or so I hope)
  • Alternate shaking of fist and i-will-pound-your-head-to-your-steering-wheel stares are also welcome.
  • For those weaklings who don’t muster up the courage to swear, just think of Anubumani Ramadoss (yes the same gentleman who instead of ensuring proper medical care for the poor chose to appear on the frontpage of every national newspaper on a weekly basis by targeting celebrities)

Now my friends, you are fully qualified to drive just about anywhere in the world. This guide hopes to add value to people who drive in countries where usage of horn is considered rude. Please keep your car windows up while following the guidelines or the author is not responsible for what happens next. Oh, I almost forgot, please, please do not swear while your parents  or other aunts and uncles are in the car with you (They will judge you).

May peace be with you.

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