Monthly Archives: July 2011

Obsessive net users die early

As always, this blog prides itself in bringing the latest news to its readers. Straight from the Lab Of Senseless and Expendable Research (LOSER).

According to the latest report published by the acclaimed research house L.O.S.E.R, obsessive net users are found to have a shorter lifespan than occasional users. This study comes as a surprise to the millions of people who spend much of their salaried time online looking at Youtube videos and clicking on dubious links on facebook. The experts however beg to differ. Dr.Sushil Kumar, on condition of anonymity, said “The medical community has already published various reports corroborating the fact that the internet is just another vermin of  society, much like mega serials and reality shows.” He quickly turned his attention to the last leg of ‘So you think you can dance’ and declined to comment further on the issue.

A close observer of the internet phenomenon, Mr.Fino Menon, added that by the year 2015, this would be the biggest reason for deaths in all developed and developing countries. “You see, people had very little to worry about back then. Apart from the well being of near and dear ones, education and marriage of kids,retirement planning and programs on  Doordarshan, they had nothing much on their worry list”. On being questioned about the subtle Doordarshan reference he quickly changed the topic and continued “The youngsters these days worry about so much more, like, how many friends do i have on fb, are people liking my status messages, how many people liked that photo in which i thought i looked my best, do i have enough snaps with cute chicks?”. According to Mr.Menon, this has created an artificial demand on people and they end up spending way too much time on the internet.

The Internet Over Users Anonymous Establishment,which apart from dealing with such issues also holds the distinction of having an association name whose initials are all the vowels, has also provided it’s input on this report. Its spokesperson, Ms.Sykil Veel, said “We are working on setting up de-addiction centers all over the world. We believe with proper care and attention, this can be overcome. All that the addicts need is a good kick in the butt, er, i mean, a lot of love and care”.

Psychiatrists worldwide are keen on doing OT to ensure that this problem is attacked on a war footing. They have released a list of symptoms that people should watch out for in their near and dear ones.

1) liking their own status messages

2) typng lyk ths

3) changing profile pictures more often than they change their underwear.

4) not recognizing their ‘facebook friends’ when they come across each other in real life

5) expressing outrage about things they have no clue about

Not wanting to let go of this opportunity to market a product, a renowned ad-agency is rumored to be working on an ad for the state run BSNL with the tagline “So you think you can connect to the internet.”

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The wet towel

….She held him tight and said “It’s ok baby”.She cradled him in her arms and planted a gentle kiss on his forehead.

She really loved him more than she had loved anybody else in this world. And this was still true after they had been married for 50 long years. They had met at their first job and what followed was a beautiful romance. Things moved quickly and they found themselves living under the same roof, as husband and wife, within a year of courtship. She thought he was god’s gift to her and worshiped him in her heart every living day. He too was fond of her and ensured that she never had to shed a tear.

As the days became months and the months years, they discovered more and more about each other. Things they liked about each other, things they hated about each other, things they never thought were important but that was important to the other. They set their lives in a slow rhythm, taking turns being the stronger one, laughing together at lives cruelties and shedding a tear of joy at moments of happiness. They agreed to disagree on a lot of things and decided never to fight for more than 15 minutes a day.

They raised their children in an environment that they thought was perfect, gave them great education and graciously accepted their choices of life partners. Now, the children were gone, settled abroad. They did visit twice a year, but between those prolonged periods they had only each other for company. They went for long walks, visited the temple 3 days a week, helped their neighbors with their work, and took care of the children in their block. Every once in a while friends visited and they had a good time playing poker and singing and dancing.

It had rained that day. The weatherman had predicted thunderstorms for the entire week. He had gone out to meet some friends and had forgotten to take his umbrella. She smiled thinking about the umpteen times he had forgotten his umbrella. He always got wet in the rain and fell sick the next day. He loved all the attention he got and was quite fond of the special soup she made. She realized he would be home any minute and went about making preparations for the soup.

He came home and immediately demanded a towel. She had kept one ready and started wiping his hair dry and gently scolded him for forgetting the umbrella. He winked at her and gave her a naughty grin before going in for a shower. He went directly to the kitchen after getting dressed and found his favorite soup waiting on the table. It was piping hot and he helped himself to a generous serving and sat down on his chair to enjoy the soup.

He had almost finished the first round and was gearing up for the second, when he felt a sharp pain on the left of his lower back. He looked down to find a 4 inch blade sticking out of his torso. As blood trickled down his pajamas, she pulled the knife out and took him in her arms. “Darling, I have  told you so many times.” He was slowly losing out to the pain and his vision was blurred. “Why did you leave the wet towel on the bed again? Oh why sweety, why?”. He knew he was going to pass out soon and gathered the remaining ounces of energy to mumble a feeble apology that almost went unheard. She held him tight and said “It’s ok baby”….

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