Category Archives: L.O.S.E.R

Obsessive net users die early

As always, this blog prides itself in bringing the latest news to its readers. Straight from the Lab Of Senseless and Expendable Research (LOSER).

According to the latest report published by the acclaimed research house L.O.S.E.R, obsessive net users are found to have a shorter lifespan than occasional users. This study comes as a surprise to the millions of people who spend much of their salaried time online looking at Youtube videos and clicking on dubious links on facebook. The experts however beg to differ. Dr.Sushil Kumar, on condition of anonymity, said “The medical community has already published various reports corroborating the fact that the internet is just another vermin of  society, much like mega serials and reality shows.” He quickly turned his attention to the last leg of ‘So you think you can dance’ and declined to comment further on the issue.

A close observer of the internet phenomenon, Mr.Fino Menon, added that by the year 2015, this would be the biggest reason for deaths in all developed and developing countries. “You see, people had very little to worry about back then. Apart from the well being of near and dear ones, education and marriage of kids,retirement planning and programs on  Doordarshan, they had nothing much on their worry list”. On being questioned about the subtle Doordarshan reference he quickly changed the topic and continued “The youngsters these days worry about so much more, like, how many friends do i have on fb, are people liking my status messages, how many people liked that photo in which i thought i looked my best, do i have enough snaps with cute chicks?”. According to Mr.Menon, this has created an artificial demand on people and they end up spending way too much time on the internet.

The Internet Over Users Anonymous Establishment,which apart from dealing with such issues also holds the distinction of having an association name whose initials are all the vowels, has also provided it’s input on this report. Its spokesperson, Ms.Sykil Veel, said “We are working on setting up de-addiction centers all over the world. We believe with proper care and attention, this can be overcome. All that the addicts need is a good kick in the butt, er, i mean, a lot of love and care”.

Psychiatrists worldwide are keen on doing OT to ensure that this problem is attacked on a war footing. They have released a list of symptoms that people should watch out for in their near and dear ones.

1) liking their own status messages

2) typng lyk ths

3) changing profile pictures more often than they change their underwear.

4) not recognizing their ‘facebook friends’ when they come across each other in real life

5) expressing outrage about things they have no clue about

Not wanting to let go of this opportunity to market a product, a renowned ad-agency is rumored to be working on an ad for the state run BSNL with the tagline “So you think you can connect to the internet.”

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Pees be with you

A very suggestive title you say? Cheap marketing gimmick? The author is a demented fool with sloppy thoughts and nothing better to do but bore the world with his non-sense?

Yes to all the above please.

Everyone, at some point in time, has given their bit to research. Am not talking about the questionable donation of Rs.10 made towards some random NGO. No sir. I talk about giving up something that is all yours. Something that you are forced to give and yet something that you cannot force out of yourself (I speak for the majority here).

A visit to the hospital does not always warrant a ‘sample’ but on occasions when the doctor feels that you are in fact the most boring noob, you will be forced to donate a wee (hehe.its a pun) bit of yourself . Its not the thing that they can prick (sorry for the adult content folks) out of you, nor is it the kind where you are in a ravana like situation with the role of rama being played to perfection by the lab attendant when they say “Indru poi naalai thaa  vaa (Go today and give come tomorrow)”

Encounter of the third kind it is. You are given a small plastic bottle, named after you, clandestinely wrapped in a tissue paper by the lab attendant who tries to hold a straight face while directing you to the restroom (an oscar winning performance.wah! wah!). Your cheeks flush and all of a sudden you feel extremely conscious. You quickly hide the bottle from public view and walk about nonchalantly. Thats when the attendant readily offers to maanathavaangify (take your respect and treat it like a piece of used tissue) by raising their voice and saying “Sir.Bathroom this way”

However quickly you try to regain your composure and glare at the attendant, its of no use. Your secret identity and more damagingly(word alert-code red) the purpose of your visit is now public knowledge. You hurry to the restroom, find an empty slot, lock yourself in, aim and fire. Then you quickly close the lid shut, wash and wipe your hands (not optional gentlemen) and get out. This is when you bring out the James Bond in you. Neither can you rush to the attendant nor can you hold on to the sample for too long. You have to hand over the container to the attendant a) without looking too eager , and b) without being watched. When you hand over the can to the attendant don’t miss an encore of the award winning performance (without your notice the attendant has suddenly put on a pair of latex gloves, they also keep a large supply of sanitizer on stand by, for emergencies).

Congratulations, you are done with yet another humiliating phase of life. But wait a minute, that was not the intention of this post. I actually wanted to share a trivia with you. Did you know that the deposit has an expiry period of 30 minutes. YES!!!  30 minutes, just about enough time to startup  Windows Vista.

Alas, my selfless nature forbids me from taking credit for your increase in intelligence. Happy valentines day.

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